Friday, October 21, 2011

(re)Defining myself

I'm finding myself daunted with ideas right now, like I'm standing at the crossroads and I need to decide which path I'm going to take.  I feel like I don't know who I am, or if I ever have.  I've always been kind of a chameleon, taking in others ideas, trying them out to see if they fit.  My parents gave my sister and I a lot of independence and never really encouraged us down any one path.  My mom wouldn't even sign us up for activities unless we specifically asked, which as a child of the 80's meant that I did bowling and roller skating lessons (not skills which I can say have really come in handy over my life).  As a teenager I played a lot of sports, but I'm not sure if it was really a passion, or if it was just something to do to pass the time.  I can't say that I miss sports at all now that they aren't a part of my daily life.  I started a lot of post secondary programs but never actually finished any of them, I just couldn't commit to anything because it didn't feel like me, but who am I?

Part of my toxic relationship with money over the years can be directly related to this quest to figure out who I am, who I want to be, what do I like.  I have never done anything half-assed.  When I decided to learn to crochet I bought every book on the subject, skeins of yarn, every crochet hook known to man - only to discover I am terrible at crocheting and found it incredibly frustrating.  Same thing when I when Nick and I decided that we were going to make fitness a priority and were going to exercise at home - we bought a professional grade recumbent bike, weights, resistance bands, work out DVDs..... that fad didn't last long, I cannot stand exercise DVDs and feel silly doing them at home.  I thought I wanted to be a scrap booker so I bought loads of paper, scissors, adhesives, and a Cricut.  I think I have finally hit that point where I have realized that who I am cannot be defined by what I buy or what I own.  Who I am has to be defined by my actions.

So this brings me to my latest interest.  Over the past few months I have poured over minimalist blogs, soaking everything up and feeling so at peace with this idea of less stuff, less time spent working, more family time, more peace, more space.  I have been watching a lot of environmental interest and sustainability documentaries on Netflix while I'm working away, and I keep nodding to myself thinking, "Yes!  Yes! THIS is what I want for my family!"  I want to declutter myself and not go back to adding to the "stuff".  I want to work hard and pay off this debt and stop the cycle of spending.  I want to make thoughtful decisions about where our money goes, how we spend our time, and what impact our decisions will have on the world around us.

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